Did I already point out how fast the time seems to be flying by?
Consequently, today I'll try to be brief with my updates as I want to get back to reading as soon as possible.
So, in the past week I've had two group seminars: one about dissertations, the other about artworks. Regarding my dissertation, after I finish the final chapter of Invention of Hysteria I'll move on to writing a critical review about the book which should help me form my thesis statement. This was a very helpful piece of advice that I got from my supervisor, and I'm increasingly happier that I got into her group. She also suggested Michel Foucault's Madness and Civilization for me, and boy am I in love with this book, having only reached the end of the first chapter. The language that Foucault uses is so complex and beautiful that the number of passages that I would like to quote is growing ridiculous. And as I said, I am only on the page 30. Anyhow, here's a sample that I've been reading over and over again, utterly perplexed by its beauty and depth.
"Witness that old image of wisdom so often translated, in German engravings, by a long-necked bird whose thoughts, rising slowly from heart to head, have time to be weighted and reflected on; a symbol whose values are blunted by being overemphasized: the long path of reflection becomes in the image the alembic of a subtle learning, an instrument which distills quintessences. The neck of the Gutemensch is endlessly elongated, the better to illustrate, beyond wisdom, all the real mediations of knowledge; and the symbolic man becomes a fantastic bird whose disproportionate neck folds a thousand times upon itself - an insane being, halfway between animal and thing, closer to the charms of an image than to the rigor of a meaning. This symbolic wisdom is a prisoner of the madness of dreams."
Other things that I got from the dissertation discussion were Lauren Greenfield's documentary project about anorexia, called Thin, and a collection of essays concerning photography, called The Burden of Representation.
To be honest, forming that thesis statement seems a mission impossible at the moment, but I'm just going to stay focused on the research material and have faith: it'll come up. There already is a very interesting relationship with madness and knowledge, suggested by Foucault, and on the other hand photography and knowledge, which is like the core question of photographic theory. Then bringing these ponderings together with the spectacle of hysteria in Salpêtrière - the marriage of madness and photography; I think there might be something there.
How about my art practice then? I just got an epiphany of sorts in this morning's run about my project, and am really excited to work on it.
So, my epiphany. I want to include audio in my work. And I want it to be many languages mushed together so that you can only pick up some words - obviously depending on how exactly how I'm going to edit it. What's it going to be about?
Well, you know how madmen/-women have historically been excluded from the rest of society, locked up in institutions and told they are somehow wrong, second-class citizens. In different times, different kinds of behaviours have been labeled as 'disordered' (e.g. homosexuality), diagnoses have changed, merged and disappeared but some attitudes toward mental problems or psychological disturbances have remained quite unchanged. Throughout Western history of madness, there have always been those who tell depressed, hysterical, manic, anxious and otherwise not-seemingly-controlled people to 'suck it up', 'get over it', don't make a scene', 'you are just seeking attention'.
I have been told some of those things. Some people commit suicide after being dismissed in this way. This is not Medieval or Victorian tragedies: this is our world today.
In my prospective audio piece, I would like to present phrases like shown above from people who have been told that they don't deserve or need any other help but that of someone kicking the in them backside. I'm still working on the strategy of collection this data, but I'm thinking some kind of an anonymous submission form ought to serve.
I have other plans for the installation of the work but I think this will suffice for today.
And I will go back to my books.
Research Diary: studio, field-trip and David Bate
It is Friday morning now, and man does it feel like time is just flying by. But let's go back to the beginning of the week.
On Monday I picked up some new books from the library even though I'm still in the middle of reading Georges Didi-Huberman's The Invention of Hysteria and Andrew Scull's Hysteria: The Disturbing History (and Hannibal but that's not course related, fortunately). I wanted to find out what has been written about women's mental illness in books that are not exclusively about hysteria. So I chose the following three, none of which have I had time to start reading yet.
The following day I started with a three-hour long photoshoot in one our amazing studios on campus. And that's me right there doing un-project-related posing for the camera.
What I actually worked on was a series of images created in the mental ward of the Salpêtrière Hospital in the late 19th century. The neurologist running the institution had come to conclude that hysterics experiencing an attack went through certain predetermined stages which manifested themselves through certain kinds of movements. He drew charts of these phases, and also had his patients acting them out in front of a camera. So that's what I did too; the camera part, not the drawing.
The above is a screenshot of how my Adobe Bridge looked like as I started editing my material. Just click the image too see it bigger.
As you notice it looks pretty much like a series of dance movements; consequently so does the original. And to prove that I'm not making this up, here's the photo set that I used as reference.
 |
| Augustine who was everybody's fave in Salpêtrière |
What I thought about during my studio session:
1) Augustine was pretty flexible
2) I need a sofa
3) ...or a bed
4) ... or anything soft really because my bones hurt
5) I wonder how long she had to hold each pose
6) these knickers are too bright and shiny white, I need to get a better outfit
7) my back hurts
8) should I use models?
9) ...and a medium format camera?
Then I went to Photoshop and produced this:
And it's like exclusive material - no one except for myself has yet had the honour of seeing it so you should feel special. I have a group seminar next week where I'm going to be discussing this and other things that I've been up to, and will hopefully figure out what I'm going to do next. I have some ideas though but let's see what my peers and tutors think.
Moving on, the following day we went to Bristol for the whole day to see some exhibitions and meet a few people. This trip was primarily arranged for the first-years but since they had a couple of places left in the coach, a bunch of us third-years tagged along. I personally really enjoy getting to hang out with our tutors outside lectures because they are in such friendly terms with us students.
So, our first stop was at the Bristol Observatory where they had a not-so-impressive camera obscura, and some caves that were frankly lame. Then, after lunch, the coach took us to Spike Island which is this awesome art centre by the riverfront. They had a big show featuring a lot of recent art graduates, called New Contemporaries. It's an annual event that goes to a different venue each year. For me the absolute highlight was finally getting to see Jo Sowden's (graduate from my course in 2012), The Lilies of the Field, which is an absolutely amazing video piece, and a great source of inspiration for me.
You can visit Jo's website here. She was meant to come and meet us at the gallery but unfortunately she couldn't.
 |
| A terrible iPhone photo from the exhibition |
There was also another former Newport graduate associated with the exhibition - a technician whose name I can't recall. He talked about his job at Spike: art handling, AV stuff, building plinths, putting up art shows etc. He also told us how he got there after graduation, and now I got interested in doing a volunteer placement in a tech job at some point.
Spike Island also has studio spaces for about 100 artists on its top-floor. Two of our tutors actually have their own rooms up there so we got to go and see what a real art studio looks like, which make me want to have one of my own.
Next we stopped by Hello Blue, a printing/mounting company who consequently fabricated my prints last spring for our exhibition. They are truly awesome those two guys, and I hope I get to work with them again.
And on we went, to see a portrait show, and then a solo show of one of our tutors, which was great by the way.
Finally, I'll just briefly mention yesterday's lecture by David Bate, who's a senior lecturer in the University of Westminster, a well-known photography theorist and a practicing artist.
His talk was pretty much the same he gave last year in an event we had at our uni, but since he is such a brilliant speaker I didn't mind at all.
He mostly talked about his own art practice but what I found most valuable personally was his introduction to the talk where he explained a few terms used in the context of looking at different types of art images. It really gave me a few ideas for my dissertation, and I'll probably end up reading the book in which he'd picked up the model was talking about.
 |
| It has such a pretty cover too |
Research Diary: Inspiring Lectures
On late Wednesday afternoon I ventured in
the Cardiff National Museum with a few friends of mine to attend to a lecture
about Victorian women's scrapbook tradition in 19th Century England. The talk
was given by Dr Patrizia de Bello, a tiny but enigmatic and engaging woman.
The topic as such isn't exactly relevant to
my ongoing projects but in my opinion, one should never discard an opportunity
of listening to a specialist presenting their research in a beautiful lecture
theatre of a big museum just because the content of the talk doesn't directly
relate to one's own interests. And besides, you can never know what you can
learn.
Anyhow, we went there and my, was that
lecture just absolutely fascinating.
It is always such a pleasure to see someone
who's clearly 100% committed to their subject, and enjoys sharing the vast
knowledge with an audience. The amount of hidden messages and meanings that can
be picked up from those Victorian photo-collages is mindblowing. What seems
like a silly, childish hobby on the surface, actually depicts complicated
quirks of the social structures and games that were so important for the upper
social classes of the time. A subtle questioning and criticism of strict gender
roles may be read as an undertone of these surreal collages - but it is
obviously impossible to say how much of that interpretation is due to pure
chance and how much really intentional from the part of the women who put these
books together.
What made this particular lecture all the more intriguing to me is that exactly a year ago I was working on a project, quite similar to these scrapbook collages. I, too, was playing with gender roles in a strikingly similar way to some of the images that Dr de Bello showed us - except that before that I wasn't even aware of such a tradition.
As much as I'd love to go on about this
lecture I'm going to move on to the next one, because indeed this afternoon, in
the great Visiting Lecture programme of my university we had a talk by a
photographic artist, now working on his PhD, John Sunderland.
Again we are somewhere else in the art
field than in my area but as I said, you can always learn something new. In
fact, I like it better when things are not spoon-fed to me but I have to really
think and process what I'm being offered.
So, John Sunderland is working on memory
and experience in landscape, and lot of his theoretical research is based on
phenomenology - a field that I too have briefly explored in one of my previous
uni projects. Perhaps the vague familiarity with his topic was one of the
reasons why I got absorbed in the presentation. Also, I think there is a part
of me that is very attracted to landscape photography even though my current
interest in making art lie elsewhere. The idea of sublime in landscapes but
also in other associations - that is, something of overwhelming beauty that it
is almost terrifying - is something that I find really interesting. What makes
an image so powerful, so captivating that it takes the spectator's breath away?
And then he, Sunderland, mentioned
something called 'apocalyptic sublime', which is one step closer to the aspect
of terror over the magnificence of a view, how it pictures an actual danger
that we can safely enjoy without having to physically engage with.
Which brought me back to my own research of
images of Victorian madwomen, and how too, their pictures evoke a sense of
disturbed fascination in their viewer. The pain, physical and mental, narrated
through these photographs is there for us to be seen and analysed along with
the horrifyingly cruel treatment methods of the time. But unlike the subjects
in the photographs, the glamorised and victimised starlets of hysteria, we have
the privilege of being able to stand back and enjoy the spectacle they are
presenting to us.
 |
| one example of the kind images I'm talking about |
To Start a Research Diary
Let's have it said out loud: I have nine months to finish a) a major art project, and b) write a 8,000 to 10,000 word dissertation.
Nine months.
nine
9
months
In reality though, I should be pretty much done by Christmas with the written part.
/death/
So, to keep track of my academic activities while on this quest, I have decided to attempt at keeping a diary of them. I'm going to do it here, in this blog - and I'm going to try my best to do it at least twice a week. These posts won't probably be long, reducing exponentially in word count towards Christmas when you should expect something like this to occur:
"TOday I writes 1000 wordss and deleteds half of if after draining an xtra large triple shot caramel latte whilst sobbing under the desk SEND HALP..............."
But now, here is my 'post it' - board (= a bunch of A4's taped together) where I regularly write and glue new stuff from books, conversations, websites, tutorials and the depths of my brain.
Making it is actually quite fun and relaxing, and also useful for a visual person like myself.
There you also see my topic, hysteria, which probably doesn't really say anything to most people in the context of art studies but we'll get there. Eventually. Hopefully.
And being the Photoshop savvy individual that I am, I also put together a collage of the books from this area of study that I've read so far.
 |
| see, that took a lot of skill to make |
And thus we have reached the end of the first page of my new research diary, which means that I can tick a box in the list of my to do's: to start a research diary done.
Manic Episode, Unspecified
As I in my last post referred to, there is indeed a project called Manic Episode, Unspecified, the development of which can be followed through a few older entires in this blog. For some unknown reason though, I never shared the final outcome - hence here it is.
Sparks of inspiration
It's been an eternity since I last talked about my artistic projects here - quite simply because I haven't been doing anything creative in the lack of inspiration for the past couple of months.
Even now I can't say that I'm working on some defined project, but I do have little bits and pieces that I simply felt like trying out. There is no conscious motive or purpose for the stuff that I've photographed, just a feeling that for some reason I should.
So, I have a lot of scars and bruises mostly from sports, and I just thought that what if I took close-up shots of them because why not.
Then another idea I got was doing something similar to my Manic Episode, Unspecified work where I created images using movement and light fabric in a dark studio. I'm still most intrigued by the use of my body in movement and how I can generate really unphotorealistic visual language with these elements. I'm afraid I'll end up repeating what I've previously done because obviously certain kind of setting produces certain kind of images.
But anyway, this is what came out of using read chiffon and moving around with it in our extremely charming basemen laundry room.
There's something about the colour red that I really wanted in the pictures. I can't exactly pin down why, but it's there and especially the ones where I've used flash have something really cool going on. You see it's all vague et the moment but when you've been feeling empty for a really long time even the tiniest bit of inspiration feels great, and it's so good to be doing something again.
One of my tutors - well, all of my tutors would probably start going on about the symbolism of red. And yeah, I know it signifies a lot of different things from love to war. For me though, bright red has this strength and energy, unpredictability - like fire.
I guess that's enough poetry for one day.
Even now I can't say that I'm working on some defined project, but I do have little bits and pieces that I simply felt like trying out. There is no conscious motive or purpose for the stuff that I've photographed, just a feeling that for some reason I should.
So, I have a lot of scars and bruises mostly from sports, and I just thought that what if I took close-up shots of them because why not.
Then another idea I got was doing something similar to my Manic Episode, Unspecified work where I created images using movement and light fabric in a dark studio. I'm still most intrigued by the use of my body in movement and how I can generate really unphotorealistic visual language with these elements. I'm afraid I'll end up repeating what I've previously done because obviously certain kind of setting produces certain kind of images.
But anyway, this is what came out of using read chiffon and moving around with it in our extremely charming basemen laundry room.
One of my tutors - well, all of my tutors would probably start going on about the symbolism of red. And yeah, I know it signifies a lot of different things from love to war. For me though, bright red has this strength and energy, unpredictability - like fire.
I guess that's enough poetry for one day.
Research Overview
Last time I rambled on about dance, controlling the body and the pursuit of perfection.
Obviously, everything about that project has changed now because that's how art works - most of the time you start with something and end up with something else.
I'm still very much interested in the body and how it's been and is being portrayed in art - and especially nowadays, mass media. I'm interested in dance and photography as the means of investigating that body subject, and how through them, I might bring across both my personal experiences, and universal ideas of the body, physicality - and its connection to the mind.
Also feminism.
And gender stuff.
Always.
Obscure gibberish, I grant you that but trying to briefly sum up my personal approach and main interests isn't as easy as you might assume.
Especially as I tend to get fascinated by just about anything that I come across while doing research. And boy, do I love doing all kinds of research: reading academic text, looking at artist books, going to exhibitions, watching films, studying art history, searching for background info about psychology, philosophy, biology, ... the list is endless.
I'm not gonna lie, my chaotic doing-everything-at-once approach is not likely the most efficient one, and were I to focus my attention on specific things rather than frantically jumping from topic to topic, I might achieve a slightly more concise view on whatever it is that I'm currently working on. But let's leave the topic of my questionable working methods alone and talk about something else.
That something else being my current standpoint in the ongoing project.
In terms of the assignment criteria I have to discuss the issues of power and control in some way, so that's where I have to start - and consequently - where I have to end up if I want to pass. On the other hand, it is also crucial to do something that I find personally significant, something that I want to do. This is a thing that our tutors have really began emphasizing: if it doesn't mean anything to you, and you're only doing it in order to fulfill the brief or please someone else, don't do it - do something else.
Last summer I made a dance-video project about panic and anxiety, but since I never felt finished with the topic, I'm very much moving back to those issues. Only this time I'm working with still images because at the moment video just doesn't feel like my thing at all.
The story of my work is kind of multi-layered so I'll briefly look at each stage ascending from general to specific, universal to personal.
1. Vagueness at its best
I don't, as of yet, have any solid facts to back this up, but perhaps we can overlook that for now. Frankly, today's world - or more accurately, the Western world, which I also inhabit - is socially quite harsh. Fair enough, for a privileged European white girl like me, there are innumerable opportunities and ways to go in life. On one hand, I am strongly encouraged to get a good education, follow my dreams, make the most of my talents; on the other, there is an ever-growing pressure to get us young adults set in professional life as quickly as possible because apparently prolonged student life costs too much for the society.
I guess the whole thing about postmodernism is present here: there are no right answers, no straight paths and in fact, such an amount of contradictory ideals that confusion is inevitable.
That is, being obliged to answer the demands of our parents, our teachers, media and the society while still keeping our own heads clear can be very overwhelming.
Fragmentation.
That is the state of the world, and puzzling out your own life is a massive challenge for many.
So massive indeed, that all kinds of mental disorders have become a normality. An increasing amount of seemingly healthy people regularly see a therapist to keep their assets against stress and anxiety strong. Maybe the ordinariness of various mental and emotional problems is merely due to the fact that every combination of physical and psychical symptoms can nowadays be called something: social anxiety, panic disorder, depression, eating disorder, generalized anxiety, rather than just shrugging such sensations off as hysteria or melancholia - or pain madness.
In short, the socially competitive and demanding lifestyle may have a connection to the commonness of panic and anxiety in today's society.
This is pretty clear though, so I might not necessarily need this level at all. Who knows.
2. Panic and anxiety simplified
Panic attacks have as many triggers as there are panickers. They are highly subjective and personal experiences, but the list of all the possible symptoms of a panic attack goes like this: palpitations, sweating, tingling sensations in fingers, trembling, shortness of breath, hyperventilation, shaking, shivering, churning stomach, choking sensation, chest pain, nausea, dry mouth, dizziness, feeling faint, numbness, pins and needles, ringing ears, need for toilet, feeling of dread/dying; and depersonalization. Obviously one needn't have to have all of those at once to be diagnosed as experiencing a panic attack.
Panic attacks are often connected to social anxiety, causing them to occur in social situations where, in addition to the unpleasantness of the panic itself one is likely to feel humiliation or embarrassment, and kind of inadequacy as a member of the social event.
Anxiety, general or social, easily becomes a part of somebody's life who has experienced panic attacks. The fear of not being able to control one's feelings in certain situations kicks off a vicious circle where the anticipation of panic feeds anxiety, which culminates in panic.
So, panic and anxiety are inner manifestations of emotional power struggles and the fear of losing control of oneself.
N.B. This is only one way of looking at the issues in question, and you personal experience of panic and anxiety might be completely different. In addition to investigating this subject matter as a whole, I also need to focus on things that will link to the more general issues that I am supposed to be discussing through this project - power and control that is.
3. Psychoanalysis, of course
Of course I need a theoretical position as well, and there's something about my work visually that connects it to psychoanalysis. This is a very vague description but apparently, according to Freud, bodily fragmentation in dreams has something to do with anxiety. But since we are talking about Freud, the anxiety is obviously caused by sexual repression or some oedipal conflict dating from childhood.
So yeah.
That's there, and surrealism, which is plainly based on the idea of subconscious, which originates from psychoanalysis, has had a great impact on my visual language. But I will promptly deny any suggestions of childhood traumas or repressed sexual fantasies.
But let's have some images. First of all, Dalì because he was probably the first artist whose name actually stayed in my head, and that says a lot as I generally suck with names. I can't really pinpoint any favourites from his extensive work of life - it is mainly just the entirety of his creation that fascinates me.
Another surrealist artist from around the same period of time is Hans Bellmer whose extremely disturbing doll sculptures and drawings are nothing if not creepy, sexual and misogynist. And yet...visually so interesting.
And then I'll just have throw in some Francesca Woodman because I am continuously drawn back to her work no matter how many times I look at and analyse it.
I don't actually have an epic bottom line for this aspect so let's move on.
4. In practice
What am I actually doing then? I'll show you two pictures and then talk about them in a few words.
I apologize for the darkness and smallness but that's as good as you're going to get at this stage.
Anyway, there are the fragmentation and surrealism, detachment that links to depersonalization that I listed as symptoms for panic attack. These two are in no way an exemplary representation of the variety of photographs that I have taken so far, nor are they the best or the worst - bare in mind that at the moment I have 200+ pictures on my hard drive and more to be made in next weeks 9 hours of studio time so things might drastically change.
However, my working method is consistent, and has its part to play in this power and control scenario that our final exhibition is going to be built around. First of all, every time I pick up a camera, I have the control in my hands. The photographer makes the decisions of what to show, when and how. Photography is not an objective medium in any way: the camera has its own anatomy and technology, and the means to produce images, but it is the photographer who decides what to include inside the frame.
A dancer is in total control of her body. She knows exactly what her body is doing at any give moment, she instantly knows if she has made a mistake. Classical ballet is all about bodily and interpretive perfection. Contemporary dance has a different language but it is a descendant of classical ballet even though it is influenced by other dance styles. Contemporary dancer is as much in control of her body as a ballerina.
The way I create these images is setting the camera in self-timer that takes nine shots in a row whilst I am dancing, improvising to the music of my choice.
The keywords, self-timer and improvising, are vital for the issues of power and control here because both of them are ways in which I let go of the power that I have over the outcome of the work. I am still in control of the lighting, the camera angle, the camera settings, the clothing and the music that inspires the way I move in front of the camera. But moving without a choreography, and letting the mechanics of the camera take the photos I am balancing in between losing and having control.
5. Personal touch
There are multiple reasons as to why this project is personally a meaningful one. I am something of a perfectionist by nature, I like feeling in control of myself and the things that I do. I like knowing exactly how I appear to others, how I look, how I sound, how I seem. I don't give my trust easily to anyone and I keep a certain distance.
I used to have huge issues with improvisation in dance classes because I couldn't detach myself from the situation and what others were doing. I was, and continue to be, uncertain of my talents and nervous of creating my own in the fear of being told that I suck. I am self-conscious of my technical inadequacy, and the fact that I'm not as skinny as I'd like to be.
Every now and then, under a considerable amount of stress, I get panic attacks and anxiety.
So, trust issues, control-freakiness, panic - the whys for having an urge to attempt some art creation about this delightful topic.
And that's about it. A terribly long entry, I have to admit, but it has helped me to clarify my thoughts on this project as well as pointed out some questions I still need to ponder over.
Which is essentially why I have this blog in the first place.
Obviously, everything about that project has changed now because that's how art works - most of the time you start with something and end up with something else.
I'm still very much interested in the body and how it's been and is being portrayed in art - and especially nowadays, mass media. I'm interested in dance and photography as the means of investigating that body subject, and how through them, I might bring across both my personal experiences, and universal ideas of the body, physicality - and its connection to the mind.
Also feminism.
And gender stuff.
Always.
Obscure gibberish, I grant you that but trying to briefly sum up my personal approach and main interests isn't as easy as you might assume.
Especially as I tend to get fascinated by just about anything that I come across while doing research. And boy, do I love doing all kinds of research: reading academic text, looking at artist books, going to exhibitions, watching films, studying art history, searching for background info about psychology, philosophy, biology, ... the list is endless.
That something else being my current standpoint in the ongoing project.
In terms of the assignment criteria I have to discuss the issues of power and control in some way, so that's where I have to start - and consequently - where I have to end up if I want to pass. On the other hand, it is also crucial to do something that I find personally significant, something that I want to do. This is a thing that our tutors have really began emphasizing: if it doesn't mean anything to you, and you're only doing it in order to fulfill the brief or please someone else, don't do it - do something else.
Last summer I made a dance-video project about panic and anxiety, but since I never felt finished with the topic, I'm very much moving back to those issues. Only this time I'm working with still images because at the moment video just doesn't feel like my thing at all.
The story of my work is kind of multi-layered so I'll briefly look at each stage ascending from general to specific, universal to personal.
1. Vagueness at its best
I don't, as of yet, have any solid facts to back this up, but perhaps we can overlook that for now. Frankly, today's world - or more accurately, the Western world, which I also inhabit - is socially quite harsh. Fair enough, for a privileged European white girl like me, there are innumerable opportunities and ways to go in life. On one hand, I am strongly encouraged to get a good education, follow my dreams, make the most of my talents; on the other, there is an ever-growing pressure to get us young adults set in professional life as quickly as possible because apparently prolonged student life costs too much for the society.
I guess the whole thing about postmodernism is present here: there are no right answers, no straight paths and in fact, such an amount of contradictory ideals that confusion is inevitable.
That is, being obliged to answer the demands of our parents, our teachers, media and the society while still keeping our own heads clear can be very overwhelming.
Fragmentation.
That is the state of the world, and puzzling out your own life is a massive challenge for many.
So massive indeed, that all kinds of mental disorders have become a normality. An increasing amount of seemingly healthy people regularly see a therapist to keep their assets against stress and anxiety strong. Maybe the ordinariness of various mental and emotional problems is merely due to the fact that every combination of physical and psychical symptoms can nowadays be called something: social anxiety, panic disorder, depression, eating disorder, generalized anxiety, rather than just shrugging such sensations off as hysteria or melancholia - or pain madness.
In short, the socially competitive and demanding lifestyle may have a connection to the commonness of panic and anxiety in today's society.
This is pretty clear though, so I might not necessarily need this level at all. Who knows.
2. Panic and anxiety simplified
Panic attacks have as many triggers as there are panickers. They are highly subjective and personal experiences, but the list of all the possible symptoms of a panic attack goes like this: palpitations, sweating, tingling sensations in fingers, trembling, shortness of breath, hyperventilation, shaking, shivering, churning stomach, choking sensation, chest pain, nausea, dry mouth, dizziness, feeling faint, numbness, pins and needles, ringing ears, need for toilet, feeling of dread/dying; and depersonalization. Obviously one needn't have to have all of those at once to be diagnosed as experiencing a panic attack.
Panic attacks are often connected to social anxiety, causing them to occur in social situations where, in addition to the unpleasantness of the panic itself one is likely to feel humiliation or embarrassment, and kind of inadequacy as a member of the social event.
Anxiety, general or social, easily becomes a part of somebody's life who has experienced panic attacks. The fear of not being able to control one's feelings in certain situations kicks off a vicious circle where the anticipation of panic feeds anxiety, which culminates in panic.
So, panic and anxiety are inner manifestations of emotional power struggles and the fear of losing control of oneself.
N.B. This is only one way of looking at the issues in question, and you personal experience of panic and anxiety might be completely different. In addition to investigating this subject matter as a whole, I also need to focus on things that will link to the more general issues that I am supposed to be discussing through this project - power and control that is.
3. Psychoanalysis, of course
Of course I need a theoretical position as well, and there's something about my work visually that connects it to psychoanalysis. This is a very vague description but apparently, according to Freud, bodily fragmentation in dreams has something to do with anxiety. But since we are talking about Freud, the anxiety is obviously caused by sexual repression or some oedipal conflict dating from childhood.
So yeah.
That's there, and surrealism, which is plainly based on the idea of subconscious, which originates from psychoanalysis, has had a great impact on my visual language. But I will promptly deny any suggestions of childhood traumas or repressed sexual fantasies.
But let's have some images. First of all, Dalì because he was probably the first artist whose name actually stayed in my head, and that says a lot as I generally suck with names. I can't really pinpoint any favourites from his extensive work of life - it is mainly just the entirety of his creation that fascinates me.
 |
| an example that may or may not have a connection to my work |
Another surrealist artist from around the same period of time is Hans Bellmer whose extremely disturbing doll sculptures and drawings are nothing if not creepy, sexual and misogynist. And yet...visually so interesting.
 |
| these are the easy and nice ones |
And then I'll just have throw in some Francesca Woodman because I am continuously drawn back to her work no matter how many times I look at and analyse it.
I don't actually have an epic bottom line for this aspect so let's move on.
4. In practice
What am I actually doing then? I'll show you two pictures and then talk about them in a few words.
I apologize for the darkness and smallness but that's as good as you're going to get at this stage.
Anyway, there are the fragmentation and surrealism, detachment that links to depersonalization that I listed as symptoms for panic attack. These two are in no way an exemplary representation of the variety of photographs that I have taken so far, nor are they the best or the worst - bare in mind that at the moment I have 200+ pictures on my hard drive and more to be made in next weeks 9 hours of studio time so things might drastically change.
However, my working method is consistent, and has its part to play in this power and control scenario that our final exhibition is going to be built around. First of all, every time I pick up a camera, I have the control in my hands. The photographer makes the decisions of what to show, when and how. Photography is not an objective medium in any way: the camera has its own anatomy and technology, and the means to produce images, but it is the photographer who decides what to include inside the frame.
A dancer is in total control of her body. She knows exactly what her body is doing at any give moment, she instantly knows if she has made a mistake. Classical ballet is all about bodily and interpretive perfection. Contemporary dance has a different language but it is a descendant of classical ballet even though it is influenced by other dance styles. Contemporary dancer is as much in control of her body as a ballerina.
The way I create these images is setting the camera in self-timer that takes nine shots in a row whilst I am dancing, improvising to the music of my choice.
The keywords, self-timer and improvising, are vital for the issues of power and control here because both of them are ways in which I let go of the power that I have over the outcome of the work. I am still in control of the lighting, the camera angle, the camera settings, the clothing and the music that inspires the way I move in front of the camera. But moving without a choreography, and letting the mechanics of the camera take the photos I am balancing in between losing and having control.
5. Personal touch
There are multiple reasons as to why this project is personally a meaningful one. I am something of a perfectionist by nature, I like feeling in control of myself and the things that I do. I like knowing exactly how I appear to others, how I look, how I sound, how I seem. I don't give my trust easily to anyone and I keep a certain distance.
I used to have huge issues with improvisation in dance classes because I couldn't detach myself from the situation and what others were doing. I was, and continue to be, uncertain of my talents and nervous of creating my own in the fear of being told that I suck. I am self-conscious of my technical inadequacy, and the fact that I'm not as skinny as I'd like to be.
Every now and then, under a considerable amount of stress, I get panic attacks and anxiety.
So, trust issues, control-freakiness, panic - the whys for having an urge to attempt some art creation about this delightful topic.
And that's about it. A terribly long entry, I have to admit, but it has helped me to clarify my thoughts on this project as well as pointed out some questions I still need to ponder over.
Which is essentially why I have this blog in the first place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)